Sometimes people think that a cooperative divorce process is just for those couples who are parting on good terms.
That’s bullshit.
Those parting on good terms are very lucky! But it’s not the norm. Divorce tends to be traumatic. Often people have mixed feelings towards each other, or even mostly negative. They can be so upset that it’s hard to communicate constructively. They’re stressed about how this is changing their lives or affecting the kids. They may be focused on past wrongs and hurts… or on anything that feels unfair about the situation. They may consider the other person toxic, abusive*, or entirely to blame for the breakup.
So if that’s where you’re at, that’s fine. A good divorce mediator is used to this — even if you’re not.
What happens in the mediation
However you feel about each other, a divorce mediation is mostly about planning for your future. We spend some time reviewing the past, everything that’s brought you to this point, largely so I can understand where you’re coming from.
So if you have a problem with your ex, you’ll definitely have the chance to say so. I want to understand your honest perspective. No one will ask you to hide your feelings, sweep things under the rug, or pretend the situation is any prettier than it is. But once we’ve established where you’re coming from, we won’t dwell on it further. I’ll guide you to focus on the business at hand.
This is not to say that the past doesn’t matter. I don’t ask anyone simply to forgive, forget, get over it, move on, or let go of past hurts. And I don’t ask you to disregard the past as we think about the future.
What won’t happen
What won’t happen is, nobody will spend the mediation taking potshots at each other. I don’t allow this, not because they’re true or untrue, but because they’re not helpful.
You won’t do much arguing, either. On some subjects, no matter how much you argue, you’ll probably never agree. So once you’ve each said your piece, we won’t keep rehashing the same points over and over. We’ll look for a way forward. If anyone tries to revive an old argument, I’ll interrupt and steer us in a more productive direction.
Last but not least: I won’t let anyone get aggressive or uncontrolled. This is not a time for yelling, threats, or intimidation*. I’ll also limit how deep anyone gets into grief or hurt while we’re together.
For any of these behaviors, part of my job is to decide where to draw the line. If we get there, then I’ll interrupt and try to bring us back on track. Maybe we’ll take a break. Or I may separate you and speak with you each individually until/unless you’re both in a good place to re-engage each other. In some cases, the best thing is not to reunite at all, but to continue the mediation in separate rooms.
Mediation as modeling
Incidentally, mediation is good practice for what follows. You may have ongoing interactions with your ex as you settle all affairs, or especially if you’ll be co-parenting.
After you see me cut off any unproductive behaviors, you’ll start doing the same on your own. You may learn some new communication skills. And as we problem-solve cooperative, people generally catch on that this feels better — and is more productive — than a more conflictual dynamic.
This is one of the best things about mediation. It sets a constructive tone and sets people up for a better relationship going forward.
*NB: Abusive behaviors and mediation
A key to mediation is that everyone feel safe enough to engage in the process. If you’re worried about intimidation or other abusive dynamics before, during, or after the mediation, I’d like to discuss that with you beforehand. We’ll talk about what I do to keep things as safe as possible… and whether you think it’s worth the risk.