There are a lot of ways to divorce. The most famous is litigation, where both sides lawyer up and play to win.
But there are also ways to divorce cooperatively. That means that instead of win-lose, you try to figure out a workable outcome that everyone can live with.
Cooperative approaches to divorce have obvious advantages over litigation. Litigation is expensive for both parties, both financially and emotionally. Intimate details of your life become part of the public record. The outcome is largely out of your hands. So is the timetable, as the legal process can rush you or (more likely) drag things out longer than you’d like.
Litigation also tends to bring out the worst in people. At a time you need closure to move forward with your life, a court battle just brings you additional stress and conflict. And if you’ve got kids, the last thing they need is extra conflict between the two of you. The more peaceful your divorce, the better for everyone.
Divorcing cooperatively does not mean you have to like each other, love each other, or wish each other the very best. It just means you want to pursue a more constructive process and avoid unnecessary stress, conflict, and expense.
Mediation
You may have some idea of what mediation is and how it works. The mediator facilitates a process to help you decide the division of property, child custody, plans for co-parenting, etc. That means providing a safe environment for discussion; making sure your needs are heard; and helping to keep the conversation constructive and productive.
That might sound very simple. In reality, mediation is often where people come to terms with all the ways their life will change. Sometimes it’s where people say things they’ve been avoiding. And very often, it’s where people make important choices or compromises. So it’s not always easy. My job is to bring out the best in you, and in everyone, as you work through difficult decisions.
Mediation can happen a lot of different ways: with or without lawyers present, in one session or several, face to face or using me as a go-between (or a little of both). So it’s very flexible, depending on your situation. The big constants are trying to open up communication, regulate conflict, and seek the best possible outcome for all parties.
A successful mediation can help people turn the page on their divorce and set a more positive tone for the future. People who use mediation often say it helped them avoid court and foster a better relationship.
Other ways to divorce cooperatively
When a divorce is very simple, you can do it yourself, the proverbial kitchen table divorce.
When things are more complicated, couples often need more professional support. That can mean lawyers, financial consultants, child/family specialists, and so on. (If you want help finding cooperative-minded divorce professionals, I know some good ones!) There are also mediators who take a different approach, for example, those who lead a very businesslike mediation – what I’d call a facilitated negotiation.